The heart of the cloud

 
It usually takes a few fights to get down to the real problem. Today the real problem emerged.

To understand, I’ll need to back up. 

He has “this dream”. He’s “had this dream forever” of buying land with his brothers and getting to do whatever they want on it. Build an off grid cabin, let their kids explore…..

I first heard about this forever dream about 5 years ago.

It has to be in an area that’s central to both us and his brothers.  If you draw a line from us, to his brothers, to my parents you end up with a very acute triangle with my parents (and the area I grew up and eventually want to return to) in the longest skinniest corner. Nothing central to him and his brothers will be in anyway closer to my family.  He wants to buy this land to retire on, I don’t want to retire there.  I’ve had issues with this whole idea from the very beginning. It is a lot of money and heading in a direction that keeps me from moving closer to my home.

The land issue was brought back into the picture a few months ago when one of his brothers received and inheritance from his wife’s deceased father. They had enough to buy the land outright. They found land that they all loved-everyone but me because I wasn’t included in the group emails that discussed any of this any more. I get it.

So when I found out about this I thought it was great. The brother could buy the land, he could go visit it and build stuff on it with him and the kids could all play. Fun times.

Nope,

He wants to pay for 1/3 still, (there’s three brothers). Okay…we each get a monthly allowance of money that is ours to spend how we please, spend it on that. Pay him off.  

Nope.

Then I learned about the money in the stock market. Apparently, over a number of years, we’ve earned $10,000  in the market. He proposed that we take that money out of the stocks and invest it in land….land is much more stable….oh, I see what you’re doing now…..we’ll, after thinking it over for some time,  fine, take it out and put it in the land.

Somehow that got forgotten. Or not good enough.

Now he’s bring it up again. He has sacrificed, he says, more than me, not spent bits of money here and there so he can save it for a large purchase. He wants to cash in and he thinks that is worth $10,000 over 7 years. He thinks I have spent $10,000 on stuff I think is important that he doesn’t and he deserves his own 10k. 

Mind you the night before he said he was worried about the budget? Wanted me to figure it out? Well, now he doesn’t think we’re in a budget crisis. Just that I’m spending a little too much in groceries and such and need to cut back. He doesn’t want that money to come out of stocks because that is going to our retirement. He wants this money to come out of our regular savings account that doesn’t have a real purpose so that he can “waste” it like I did with my whatever amount. 

So remember yesterday when I kept asking what do you want to do about it? And he said he didn’t know? He did know. He wanted 10k but didn’t ask me.

Only he says he did. 

From here in out I’m going to post txt msgs to let them speak for them selves.

Husband: We can’t have a functional marriage if I’m not allowed to bring up legitimate concerns. You buy nice things for yourself in little amounts over the years. There’s nothing wrong with this. There’s nothing wrong with this. There’s nothing wrong with this. I don’t buy tires or nicer meals at restaurants etc. in hope of buying one big thing in the future. How am I to tell you that I’m sacrificing when you aren’t in order to save for things long term without making you feel bad because you didn’t? I really don’t know. I have spent alot if time with Dr Paul on this topic and have failed many times when bringing it up. Yet if it is ignored then I’ve made many sacrifices for no reward. What should I do? I’m fucked either way.

Me:   I have already said you could take the money. Why do you need to bring it up again?  I also said I don’t know how you should bring things like this up. It’s something to work on. I cannot fix it over night or over 10 years. And neither can you.

Husband: The same problem with your brother. I can’t bring things like these up without making you feel bad. They are real concerns and I know I’m not crazy to bring them up. They are things that occur in all marriages. But the way we go about things makes it so our issues never get resolved or they become long on going fights that end with resolution and many hurt feelings.  

Me: Yeah I don’t have the answer and I don’t wish to continue like this.

A while later

Me: Why exactly are you still mad at me?

Husband: Why are you? Last we were together you walked out on me mid-sentence, closed the door on me. You have not spoken to me since then… And you ask why I’m still mad at you? Are you serious?

Me: We exchanged texts since then. I am not mad

Husband: Ok then

Me: So why are you still mad at me?

Husband: I was avoiding you because you were rather unpleasant to be around.

Then we got into a verbal argument. The next text msgs came in at 1 am

Husband: Why is it always about you. Why can’t you just take a moment to acknowledge what I’ve done without turning it into poor you or changing the subject.  You make me feel insignificant. Just asking for a little positive from you. I gave up five hours of my weekend for you and not a bit of appreation. You only said “you didn’t have to come” way to make me feel appreciated. You rarely show me appreation for my efforts and we I point them out you belittle me. How would these actions go over for you the other way around?

(The 5 hours he’s talking about -I rode my motorcycle 2 hours out to have lunch with a friend and then back and he invited himself and our son along)


Btw I had fun.
I don’t know what to say. I feel like I haven’t made it about myself at all. I’ve been trying to end it. I hate the personal attacks that he can’t see as such. 

Someone, please tell me if I’m wrong here. I’m not just writing this for validation.

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9 thoughts on “The heart of the cloud

  1. This person is never happy! No matter what you do or don’t do he’ll find a way to argue. It’s exhausting. You even said take the money but he’s still mad?? He needs professional help. I’m saying this as it’s been said to me and can see my own relationship when I read your blogs. I hope you can find a way through this x

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    1. I know…I feel the same way when I read your blogs. He’s been in professional help for over 10 years, on meds…everything . It’s a small town and I don’t think we have many options for other doctors.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Then do what you need to, to keep yourself strong, grounded, surrounded with friends and loved ones and support networks. Do not give up your rights to your own money. Have a rainy day back up. I have a secret account the husband doesn’t know about! Good luck x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to agree with Zara, mate. If he’s just saying he has issues with how you spend money so as to legitimise his use for this money then that’s not very nice. Alternatively, if he’s saying he’s watched you spend money on things for the last 10 years whilst always secretly resenting that fact, then that also is not good. It’s a dog eat dog world out there but the one person we should be able to rely on to always have our backs when faced with the world is the same person we wake up next to every morning (Not sure if you guys are in separate rooms at the moment but you get my point). I’m sure that, from his perspective, your husband feels genuinely aggrieved but picture thus blog five years from now, you think you might still be posting the same blogs? We only have one life and we’re a long, looonnnnng, time dead. Don’t waste it. Same goes for you Zara. Though you’d both be jumping from a plane not knowing where you’re going to land or whether or not your chute will even open, you both know that the plane you’re both on is alight…and it’s going down regardless.
    I hope you both find ways to stay strong. Ned.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m just saying what I see mate. You deserve better than to be living for someone else. Live for you. Live for now. Don’t get dragged down by anyone else

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      2. I wrote the original reply on the way into work at London bridge after the attacks and had that on my mind. However, you do seem to deserve better and I hate to see people like you and Zara suffering or having to tolerate someone else’s inability to see their own potentials.

        And still you haven’t posted any new music šŸ˜•

        Like

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