only questions

He says that I’m hanging on to things.

I feel like the 50/50 split we had agreed on has been slipping for a number of weeks.  When he called this bull shit I brought up points to explain myself.

Ergo I’m hanging on to things and not letting things go.

*I’ve referenced this 50/50 split a number of times but haven’t entirely explained it – it involves a parenting schedule where we care for the kids 50% of the time while living in the same house.  Household chores are also split so there’s no room for confusion.  He makes food for the kids while he’s in charge, I do the same.  I buy the food we need and clean the entire down stairs and my room upstairs.  He cleans the bathroom and hallways upstairs and his room as well as the basement.  I wash, dry and fold his laundry and give him haircuts.  He mows the lawn and if something little in the house needs to be fixed, he fixes it.  We make sure messes we make get cleaned up and the kids get their chores done during the weekends we have them. – This is the short answer version.  He has a 4 page document outlining all of this in detail.

He says His Mother, My Mother, My Friend, all cannot believe the amount of work he has agreed to do AND work full time but he’s doing it anyway.  And if I’m going to throw a fit about little things he doesn’t want to hear it.

I started the conversation with a question of how I am supposed to bring up things I feel he’s not doing (things we agreed he’d do in the contract) that he should be doing.  I haven’t really gotten an answer.

There was so much yelling by him.  At one point I asked for a 2 minute break to calm down and he said no, if I ask for 2 minutes he was going to work.  I said that I had to go to the bathroom and needed 2 minutes.

He continued yelling when I got out.

He left the house saying, “You need to do a little soul searching.”

I asked him what his goal was as he was walking out the door but I’m not sure if he heard me.

 

I’m at a loss.

 

Am I so black and white that I’m taking this too far? Am I really being unreasonable?  He brings up our house, our two cars, my motorcycle, our garden – look at all we have – can’t it be enough for me?  Can’t I be happy?  But I always want more, he says.  Am I really that selfish?

Is this the kind of soul searching he’s wanting me to do?

I’m left today with a black hole in my chest.  It caves my shoulders, pulls my eyebrows into a furrow, twists my intestines.  I want to cry but even the tears can’t overcome the power of the pull of this void.

I am at a loss.

I do not know.

anything.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “only questions

  1. The material items really have no relevance when happiness is being weighed up. If a person bases their happiness on the “stuff” around them then honestly I think their soul is on need of some help. Happiness is about people around you. It’s about feeling safe and knowing that you can be yourself and be able to run around the house with your pants on your head if you like and not be judged. (No I don’t do that). I think many men (certainly not all but many) struggle with chores. They struggle with the many many things that our partners do that we take for granted because invariably They are justndone for us. Withiut grumble, without fuss. So when a man is asked to share in a 50/50 split, including responsibility for the children, then I should imagine he wouldn’t find it hard. However, that’s what being an adult is all about. Especially being an adult who is responsible for children.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for such a thoughtful response. You’re absolutely right about the material things vs the internal happiness. Also I appreciate the “male” response…so many things are still considered “woman’s work” and we just do them without thinking. No matter how far we’ve come for equality. The flip side is that he works full time. And to my discredit, I assume he will.

      Liked by 2 people

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