In my last writing post I wondered where I was heading. Not a whole lot has changed since then – which is to say that it’s been a lot of change and I still don’t know what’s what.
First – the weekend. No, it wasn’t a weekend from hell. Not like this one. This one was….good.
This separation has been good for me in ways I never could have seen. The curve in my path had a surprise for me around the corner. It was a mix of freedom, permission, digging deep and letting it out.
Has it been 3 weeks since “the separation”? I can’t really remember. Back when my husband was convinced that it was ME that was making ME depressed and that if he cut himself out of my life I would see that I’m still depressed.
He’s kind of shot himself in the foot.
Knowing that some parts of life would be harder during this separation I was really scared that I would become more sad…inadvertently prove his point. Thank god that hasn’t happened, and it’s the freedom, permission, digging and being that has made all this a positive thing for me.
The freedom was mine. The permission was granted by me. The digging deep was done by me and the expression of what I found – mine.
There is a lightness in my heart that hasn’t been there in a while and it’s wonderful. I’m speaking up more, I’m savoring my children more, I’m even enjoying my husband more.
Wait – what? you said husband…… Yes, turns out when he’s not telling me how broken I am, he’s a lot nicer to be around. _GASP_
I am hesitant though. Tomorrow we go into therapy together. He has hinted a few times at “some things” that he wants to “bring up”……I was wondering where all the negativity went – it certainly didn’t fly off in the breeze. He’s been saving it.
Tomorrow it will come out. I will be ready.
Side note- I put 120 miles on my new motorcycle yesterday. Found 2 six leaf clovers, 2 five leaf clovers and more 4 leaf clovers than I can count. I stopped picking them after a while. It was a good day.
We took a trip out to a state park and I sat on a man made beach and watched my son roll up his pant legs, carefully wade out into the water. Before long he was neck deep, swimming and splashing in the water. He brought a change of clothes so Who Cares? It was a moment of Childhood, the way it should be. I loved watching him.
Before that I took the kids to a free comic book day, I did my son’s face paint. One of my other talents. Then it was the little girl’s birthday party. The finished apron was a huge hit and she looked so cute in it.