I’ve been on the search for something. I don’t think I’ll find it really. I’m sure it’s there, but it’s unique-there’s no singular rule, so I have to define it for myself.
I don’t like that.
Over the last week or so my husband and I have followed this separation schedule. We stay away from each other and parent the children on this sort of 50/50 schedule we’ve devised. I laugh a little because it actually makes more work for him – and less for me. He never was parenting 50/50 and things like cooking (and cleaning up afterwards) and hanging out with the kids all weekend are something new for him. I find I have more time to myself which I think is how it’s actually supposed to be in a partnership.
I’ve discovered a lot in this week. I felt confident in my decisions. I liked myself and had fun. Of course, not all the time – I’m really struggling with loneliness. But there was a lot of good that has come from this time.
Obvious, maybe, but astounding to me that when I don’t have someone fighting with me, or pointing out what’s wrong with me – I’m a better person. I’m taking initiative to do things I enjoy, I’m a better mom….I’m happier with me. I’m closer to that mountain where I can stand at the top and proclaim “Here I am! Take me or leave me!” I’m not sure my husband really gets it though.
It really would be a lot easier if he were just a jerk. I mean just a jerk. But he’s not. He’s a good guy who cares for me and the kids, it’s just the ASD that makes it come out all wrong. I’ve spent my entire relationship searching for the meaning behind his mean words and backward attempts at help, rewriting them in my head, rewriting them for the children. It takes a toll on me.
If you had asked me on Monday how I felt about things it would have been “I’m done rewriting for him.” I have put up with a lot of hurt feelings from his inability to see what he’s doing to me even though I tell him straight up. I know he means well, but I’m human and this is my life – I only get it once and is it worth it to be around this sort of treatment? It’s not. We’d stay separate in the same house until he decided to move out. That’s how I felt yesterday morning.
But sometimes weeks pass like minutes, and sometimes one day can change a lot.
He started being nice to me. With no fighting, no blaming, no judging, the good came through. It was as if he could read my mind and realized he’d better step it up. CRAP. I mean, why do I have to feel bad about this now? Why do I have to second guess myself for the 147th time on this? At his therapy appointment yesterday he told me that one of the things he decided to work on was elaborating on his compliments to me. Instead of just saying “nice work” he’d say a few sentences about it. This doesn’t jive with my decision, it makes me feel bad for him.
This morning he did elaborate on a compliment. My son lost a tooth on Monday. Husband was in charge of the kids that night – well, the tooth fairy didn’t come. My son was crushed. Yesterday was my day with the kids so I made sure the tooth fairy made up for “her” mistake.
Husband has never been The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, birthday card or gift buyer….That’s me. I’m the magic. He recognized that and commented on the Fairy’s pretty handwriting and sparkly coins and then thanked me for doing it.
I don’t know what to think at this point.
Today is the birthday of Charles Richter….inventor of the Richter scale. I wish I had a seismograph to warn me of what is coming.