A question for you:

I am a woman with Aspergers. So sometimes I don’t get things. So…I’m asking.

I know that relationships are not totally perfect and the idea that someone “accepts you for who you are” means that they will actually ask you to change certain things about you or what you do and that’s okay.

So where is the line?

When does asking someone to change something or saying “this is a problem” become not really liking the person? When does it become unfair to the person and not an acceptable thing to do in a relationship?

I’d really love some specific examples you’ve either experienced or could give me. Please share this. Help me understand.

Thanks.

 

Post Update: 4/28, I recently came across this article which doesn’t exactly answer my question but has some interesting things to say.

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12 thoughts on “A question for you:

  1. Well for me, I’d say that the “limit” for a significant other telling you what to change about yourself would be when they keep telling you negative things about yourself, for example weight, and telling you that you should lose weight constantly, but they never help you in a healthy and supportive way. If they keep putting you down, telling you that you are weak, is what an ex of mine said to me, instead of promoting encouragement and passing on positivity and telling me I am strong to make me feel strong enough so that I end up being strong (if that makes sense), it isn’t good. When they tell you so many negative things about you and fuelling this negativity by constantly mentioning things to change, which isn’t good for you because most of the time you end up believing them and at some point you lose yourself.

    They should be telling you the reasons why they love you, what they love about you. Whether it’s your personality, something about your looks, your style! That is what accepting and loving you for who you are means. If someone is constantly telling you to change so many things about yourself, they don’t love you for who you are and are basically trying to transform you into someone who isn’t you which isn’t a healthy relationship. Especially in the way they say and mention these changes defines the nature of this relationship. For example, a positive way of mentioning a change and showing love and that they care would be “Hey, at the moment I think you are eating a bit too much junk food, and you have gained some weight. I want you to be healthy, would you like to consider eating some more healthy foods and maybe exercise? If not, that’s okay too, but if you do I will support you and join you too.” This will make you consider the option right? And you wouldn’t feel too bad about yourself either right? Here’s an example of the same scenario but in a negative way; “Geez you’re getting fat, maybe you should lay off the junk food!” In this scenario you would feel bad about yourself right? This isn’t a healthy relationship and that person obviously doesn’t want to support you and must obviously care more about your looks than anything else.

    I know weight isn’t the only example of partners constantly telling you to change, and I hope this helped a bit. If you’d like I could write up a post about it if you’d like some more examples and a more structured and better explained/detailed response?

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Okay, don’t be sorry about that! It is exactly what I’m looking for. THANK YOU.
      So let me ask you a follow up. What if a person says “you’re looking pretty today, thanks for making dinner.” Then later goes into a reminder that “you’re really depressed and taking it out on me and that thing you just did was totally out of line and unacceptable behavior and until you can go back to being that less stressed out person I’m just going to stay away because this is toxic to me and I don’t like it” Side note: person speaking is also autistic and so something like rolling eyes or an exasperated “what?!” Would go all the way to “totally unacceptable” because this person sees things as black and white, okay and not okay. -OR- maybe my perception is skewed and saying “what?!!” To a person after a really tough day or something really isn’t okay….I don’t know what’s what anymore.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. You’re welcome. That is a tricky situation, especially when it is coming from a person with autism. I think if they compliment you that they do love and care, but if they bring out the more negative things that could also be the autism talking. People with autism don’t really have a filter for what they say, or how they react to certain situations. I am sure he wouldn’t be intentionally hurting you, and he may be more overrun by emotions and a sudden change in emotion could be making him lash out. It is hard to tell, everyone has their good days and bad days. It can be somewhat unhealthy though when your insecurities are brought up and basically thrown back in your face when you know you can’t do anything about it, but I guess a person with autism can’t really do anything about what they do and say at times too. It is hard and will be emotionally draining, I guess you will have to be patient as well as try and take time for yourself so you’re not constantly surrounded by negative comments. If the negative comments come out more regularly and begin to outshine the positive comments that would be unhealthy and definitely would reach the limit. I hope this somewhat helped, like I said this is a tricky situation. I hope you do figure out what is best for you and your family and that things work out for you

        Liked by 2 people

  2. The first thing I thought of after reading your post was behavior versus identity. It’s ok to ask for a change in behavior. And in a kind supportive way. The previous commenter put that very well. But, even if you desire a behavior change, you still show love and treasure the other person. An easier way might be to think of how you love your kids. Sometimes their choices may be irritating, but that never means you stop loving them. And that isn’t always easy to do. Love has to be a mutual choice sometimes- an act of the will rather than emotion. But always, always, there is that respect you give to yourself, and the respect you give to the other. Which must be mutual. If that balance is there, if there remains that distinction between “what you do” and “who you are”…..then I think it’s on the right track.

    I think of you often, treading this rocky path you’re on. Or sight-reading a new Rachmaninov piece. Here for you.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. It’s a difficult question to answer and an even more difficult position to be in I imagine. As for asking people to change, yeah sure, if it’s leaving underwear all over the house or not ever helping with chores maybe but not fire attributes. No-one should tell another person to change especially when they are asking for something to be changed that was always there even when they both got together. And as for being autistic, and yes I’m going to throw this out there and haters are going to hate this, but as much as I would make allowances/adjustments for someone being autistic I would have to say that being or behaving like an arsehole is not exclusive to Neurotypical. Sometimes people ask us to change and it’s not to improve our behaviour but to ease theirniwn guilt, envy or jealousy etc.
    I hope this resolves or eases for you

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks. I talked with my therapist this morning. There is a difference between being an AsS and having Aspergers. I think what many Asd people struggle with is that they mean well. They have a good heart and they want to help. They just come across like a total ass. I have a very big heart and married this man and later found out that he had this “condition ” and then that I have it also. But to constantly rewrite someone’s words from ass to caring is exhausting and I’m at the tipping point of deciding if I can do it anymore.

      Liked by 3 people

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