scars dig deeper

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life.

  • Manipulating 
  • Selfish
  • Stubborn 
  • Snake in the grass
  • Toxic
  • Needy
  • Emotional 
  • Bitch
  • Cunt
  • Unrealistic 
  • Lazy
  • Messy
  • There’s more…

I know I’ve been called positive things too. But they don’t stick the same way. 

The other thing is, all of these things I’ve been called-every single one of them came from the mouths of men that were supposed to love me.

It’s a deep hole that has been dug by these words and the good ones said by these men, good friends and by me to myself throw a little bit of dirt into the bottom so that I’m closer to the top but the scars run so deep I can hardly see the top.

Now that husband and I have completely turned our emotions off for each other and try to function like a business arrangement I wonder what to do with my needs. Not that they were actually met by him when we were trying but now that I’m not expecting them from him at all I wonder what to do with yet another void. It’s a lonely place I’m in. I’m really doing my best to reach my goal-which is to eventually stand on top of the mountain of shit and proudly proclaim who I am, like me or not. 

But right now I’m still in that crevice and the mountain is a distant speck on the horizon.

It holds on heavy.


2 thoughts on “scars dig deeper

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s