the separating

It’s been a few days-I think. It’s been a long time in my mind anyway. Too much to include all the details. I’ll try to pick a few that I need to get off my heavy heart and a few that lift my heart just a little.

Notsogreat Item 1: Technology. Apparently with this “separation” and the consequential “taking what is mine/here this is yours”…I don’t actually have a computer. I have my phone-which still amazes me with its power and technically is a computer but terribly limited. I can’t print from it and I’m pretty sure the printer is “mine”…………… I brought this issue up with husband and should I just buy a new one… he said the one my daughter is using for school is mine. Well, yes, maybe it is. But I cleared the memory on it and put it all on two back up disks (which btw I can’t access with out my own computer) because she can’t have stuff on her computer. She’d get into it, see things she shouldn’t, read things she shouldn’t and it’s hard enough keeping her out of that with just the internet being there. Not to mention, it is 7 years old, there is no battery for it anymore (it has to stay plugged in where it sits) and she uses it all day for school! Sure, school will be ending in two months, I could have it then…but isn’t she going to still need a computer next year for school? And he had 2 lap tops, 1 very small traveling laptop and an iPad. They really are all his. Work computers, technically they belong to the university. I get it. But still….I’m shopping for a laptop. Which makes me bitter.

Kindofgreat Item 1: My Kids Of Course. When you are given a set schedule to be with the kids and not be with the kids, you tend to be more intentional about what you’re  doing. Instead of husband hiding away from the world on his phone he’s outside playing ninjas with his son. He’s sitting outside (on his computer) watching my daughter dig for bugs and work on her habitat. (She’s created a working ecosystem in a cheap plastic bug cage). I’m also doing the same. I don’t usually do a song and dance about Taco Tuesday basically because I’m drained and depressed but this was legit joy for me and I really am the kind of Mom who would say “hey kids, do you know what night it is???? Oh yeah….it’s taco Tuesday!” Followed by “Yay!!s” from them and then I say “do you guys want to help me?” And their like gone like a magic trick. It’s okay. I don’t expect a miracle. I hope this kind of interaction with our kids continues.

Notsogreat Item 2: The Biological Father. Not the one I’m married to, the other one. My daughter’s. Since he’s moved to MONW from the east coast he’s been mostly responsible and involved which I expected, based on 12 years of history, to last for about 6 months. He brought her to her psychiatrist appointment on Monday since it is in the same town that he lives in and he had her over Easter weeeknd. He has 12 years of knowing almost nothing about this girl “except that she’s amazing” and believes every single You Tube conspiracy video out there. (Quick example: he believed that Wal-Marts had gun turrets hidden in their building corners and that they were all connected through a series of underground tunnels built by the military 😳) he thinks her being on medication for ADHD and anxiety is poisoning her body.  It’s been a long road to get her as stable as she is, lots of trying home strategies, school strategies, therapy….before going to drugs. But still. Here’s what he said: We were at my house and I said, “I’m going to open up this bag of candy, do you want some?” And do you know what she said to me?? “Can I have some celery, Dad?” There is nothing wrong with this girl! This girl does not need to be on medication. If she’s making better decisions than I am, what is that saying about her?

-I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying the obvious.

You are a lousy parent who makes poor decision for yourself and your child and hello! That’s what good parenting does to a kid thankyouverymuch. This says nothing about her being on medication.

Kindofgreat Item 2: -The Biological Father. Yes…my daughter’s still. I’m going to give him some credit. He backwards talks at a Donald Trump level-says two opposing things in the same sentence, disproves himself, and keeps right on going. Anyway, in the midst of his blathering outside the office after the appointment he said some nice things to me. Things like “thank you” “you’re doing a good job” “I know this isn’t easy” and we had a good laugh about just how much this MONW place sucks. Both of us would love to go back east in a heartbeat and at one point he said “then let’s just go!” And I was all in my head like “with you? Hell no. I’m going to take your kind words with a gigantic grain of salt and no way on any level of hell would I go anywhere with you.” He gave me a hug. Which I absolutely hate. I had a great excuse this time for a barely touching quick hug-that damn sunburn. Thank you Sun. -I’m counting this as good because at this point, any recognition, thank you, encouragement- even from this guy who probably has an alternative motive, is enough to make me tear up. 

I got more gratitude and appreciation from the person I actually hate deep down in my soul than from the person I’m supposed to love until the end of time.

There is more….lots more good, lots more bad….but that is enough for now. My phone battery is already at 65%….

Complain about the bad, just a little, but then look for the good. Go make some good. Remember all those lousy clichés about the darkest hour being the best time to see the stars and keep moving along.

PS one quick good thing. Since our “separation” on Saturday I’ve put over 60 miles on my little motorcycle. Which means I road it a lot because you can’t go more than 8 miles in any direction without hitting corn fields and major interstates that will bring you through those vast empty expanses of nothingness to some other MONW town. (I can’t take my bike on interstates, it just doesn’t go fast enough) It makes me happy.

Do you see the bird in the flames?


3 thoughts on “the separating

  1. Oh mate I’m actually gutted 😦 I know you may not be able to see this right now but I’m sure this will be better for you in the long term. I really hope you continue blogging as I’d hate to lose touch with your progress. Ned


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