Therapy this morning was about as productive as trying to build a sand castle while the tide is coming in-and it’s unclear whether we are both building the castle or if he is the tide tearing down anything I’ve tried to say.
One of the problems my husband has is theory of mind. He thinks he has it. He really truly believes he does. But it’s excruciatingly obvious from the outside that it is lacking.
I have been short tempered, snappy, depressed, not terribly nice in general lately. We both agree there. Yay! Success!
The cause of my general unhappiness is not the same as what causes his unhappiness.
That does not compute for him. So in his mind, I should do what he thinks would work for him. I should quit my jobs, reduce my workload, stop doing so many other things that take up my time-and I’ll be a nicer person to be around. Makes perfect sense to him.
Well here comes the kicker. I’m. Not. Him. I know, you are as surprised as I am. Shock. Total disbelief! Let me help you pick your jaw back up. The things that bring me happiness are going and doing things where I’m appreciated. Things I’m good at. Being with People that like me. That’s not at home. If I quit my jobs and spend all of my time keeping the house perfectly clean, dinners always made, children always taken care of HE will be happy. Not me. This would not be a fulfilling life for me.
Okay. Side note time: I’ve tried. I read books on cleaning house, getting rid of clutter, creating cleaning schedules, being a good housewife…for years I devoted my existence to housewifery and full time parenting. I wasn’t terribly fulfilled and I wasn’t happy.
I need joy in my life and I need people to share it with. If my husband is not that person I’m going to have to get it from other people.
So….back to therapy. “I can’t stand it anymore. She can’t treat me like this. I can’t fight with the children and her at the same time. She has to stop. I’m done. I feel like separating myself from everyone again because I can’t take it anymore.” (In the past this means any time he is home, he is in the guest room.)
“So what you’re saying is, I’m overworked, which is causing me to be stressed out and fight with you and you are proposing to hold up in the guest room, leaving the children entirely in my care, putting more work On me until I fix myself?”
“If it makes things harder for you so be it. I can’t take it anymore.”
Time. The. What?! Out.
Logic, Love, Compassion, Basic Rule Of Marriage all slipped under the therapists office door like the ocean pulling the sand from under your toes as a wave recedes.
Unstable, confused, hurt…words that don’t quite cut it the way his words cut me.
He is willing to cut himself out of everyone’s lives, assume I’ll handle everything, actually make more work for me (which would make me more stressed/unhappy/mean in his world) in an attempt to fix this. Does he care for anyone but himself?