Give yourself some credit.
One morning, as I woke up, these words sounded in my head as clearly as if someone were sitting on my bed waiting for my eyes to open to say this to me. It’s stuck with me for a while now, though I’m not actually sure I’m doing it.
I’ve been mulling over what I talked about in therapy yesterday, trying to turn it into something concrete. Things like, “The grass is greener where you water it” “Have compassion for yourself” “Find the good/happiness that’s already there” “You’ve done this before, you can do it again”.
The problem is, I’m depressed. I’m not happy. I’m bummed. I. Don’t. Want. To.
This “thing” that I’ve done before so many times and “can do again” is to pull myself from the feelings of despair about my marriage. It is a cyclic pattern that has been going on for years. I look at my relationship, this man, my life….none of it seems right. None of it feels like Me, or what I wanted. Somehow I got sucked into this wind that pulled up my roots and landed me in Middle Of No Where with a man I’m not sure I like all the time, with children who are beyond challenging (and insanely wonderful, but I’m complaining right now), and very little support. I find myself in this place quite often. And it sucks. It sucks the passion from me, my creativity, my joy, my patience….everything that makes me wonderful-and I hate it. So what’s a girl to do? I sit in my shit stew for a while – a few days, sometimes weeks, and then I decide I’ve had enough. “I’m going to make the best of what I’ve been given, god dammit!” “I can be happy anywhere if I just try.” “Live with your values” I say to myself. So I do it. At least for a while, and life is somewhat good again.
When my therapist told me “You’ve done it before, you can do it again” I responded with something I’m not sure he expected. “I feel like someone who’s had cancer, 6 times in their life. They’ve beat cancer 6 times. And now they find they have it a 7th time. They are told, ‘Well, you’ve beat it before, you can beat it again!’, but how realistic is that really? At some point you just can’t keep beating this thing. Is it really realistic for me to keep doing this?”
he didn’t have an answer for me.
He can’t say all the things he thinks, he’s a good therapist. But sometimes he doesn’t have to say them out loud. “No. It’s not realistic.” But leaving the relationship – I’d have to live on my own – still in M.O.N.W. with then TWO “baby daddies” to deal with – Christmas, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Summer, Child Support, Visitation….and all I want to do is move back to my home land but I can’t. It isn’t feasible. Neither man will let me “take” the children that far away and no way in hell am I leaving them with the fathers full time while I get the far away visitation time. I’m stuck between two difficult choices and it always comes back to “Try. Again.”
It’s the way it is. I don’t like it. But really, what choice do I have?